Robbie by P.S.Gifford

September 2010

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[Paul Hughes]

Robbie
by P.S.Gifford


P.S. Gifford's winning entry in the second Silverthought flash fiction contest.


http://www.silverthought.com/gifford35.html

[TheKenster]

Congrats P. S. on winning the flash contest. Kudos!

[Georgepat]

Hi Paul,
I loved this story. You grabbed me from the first sentence and never let me go.

Your ending was a twist that I didn't see comimg.

You got it my man, you got it.

Congrats, my friend.

GP

[SirLawrence]

Congratulations again and very well deserved, PSG

[Faye]

A very deserving winner !.......

Faye

[GC]

A very fun read.  Well done, Mr. Gifford.

GC

[PSGifford]

Thanks for the kind comments everyone! It was lovely waking up to discover them-

PSG

[CowboyLogic]

You rock Buddy

[Paul Hughes]

The masses have spoken: they like this story.  Now allow me to put on my asshole pants and piss on the parade.

I see a lot of punchline submissions.  You know, the kind of story where there's a big buildup and then one line that makes the reader think oh, so that's what's really been happening.  The punchline here is drawn out into everything that follows the "I cannot wait to start exterminating people" line, a sentence that I felt was the best moment in the piece.  Everything after could be summed up in the mother walking in and saying it was time to go trick or treating.  Instead, there's fishsticks and trundling and an awkward, adult paragraph of dialogue delivered by a costumed child.

I know flash fiction doesn't give the writer much room to establish and hone his style, but when it's successful, a flash piece can really shine.  The child's dialogue never felt natural to me.  Maybe that was the intent--awkward robot speech.  But even after the reveal, the kid's voice is just creepy.  Who talks like that?  The work is filled with awkward lines and constructions that could be revised: "Robbie turned and looked at the face of her."  ‘I love it when I read his stories,’ he thought.

If this were written so that the payoff were instant and story-ending, sure, it would be a passable punchline.  I think the pre-reveal needs development so we actually believe that that's a robot exploring a living room before Mom comes in with lunch.  And when she shows up--end it.  Right there.

Maybe I'm missing the point of the story, but that's my $2.

[muzzmuse]

I agree with most of what Paul said, however, I enjoyed this work as something different from the usual fare PSG offers. I see that you're making an effort to get away from some of the metafictional (is that a word??) writing you'd been into for quite awhile. So in that sense, I see this piece as growth.

I will say that flash is tricky. Short doesn't mean easy, and I think sometimes flash requires far more thought than a longer piece (as evidenced here).

A little rewriting would really make this piece kick ass. Love to see it.

[scott]

In a large way, this work reminded me much of PS's first ST submission, The Beast Within.  I enjoyed The Beast Within as a quick and easily digestable flash work.  It didn't try too hard and the ending was unexpected and added a light-hearted feel to an otherwise horror-gothic (sometimes overly so) work.

Robbie is much the same, yet not nearly as satisifying.  I found the prose to be far looser than The Beast Within, and the concept executed in a bit of a clunky manner.  But I think my main reason for liking Robbie less than The Beast Within is because, while the story and characters and action may change, the song remains the same.  It's a bait-and-switch.  It lulls the reader along, drawing them down a specific path, only to have the path change on them suddenly in the middle of the wood.

My feeling is, you can get away with it once (and he does and does well in The Beast Within) but not twice (or more). 

For what it's worth...