Fallen Angel by Andrew Capone

September 2010

Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa
			1	2	3	4
5	6	7	8	9	10	11
12	13	14	15	16	17	18
19	20	21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30
		Birthdays
Sep 7 - Ryodin(34) Sep 7 - InternAndy(21) Sep 8 - kemcco(45)

[Paul Hughes]

Fallen Angel
by Andrew Capone


Even the strong are in need of the strength of others.


http://www.silverthought.com/capone01.html

[Darkininc]

An awful lot of telling vs showing mars this story.

There wasn't any character development, or a particular plot.

Is this the first part of a serial?

[Dudgeon]

I'll second that, though it does show potential in terms of the vocabulary you utilize.  You are also often very incisive in your descriptions.

Here are some nitpicks/edits:

"amidst of the silence"-- should be "amidst the silence" or "in the midst of the silence"
"looked about him determined"--add "and" determined
"sounds of footfall"--add plural to footfall
"a 45 Magnum"--.45 for calibre
"gonna to look"--"gonna look," unless this is dialect particular to your world
"and removing the quickly bleeding wound"--don't understand this sentence, clarify
"the door creaked open ajar"--awkward, chose one
"Carol allowed herself (to) be swallowed"
"she had left her stray hours before"--delete "her" or change to "here"
"until she could see who whole room"-- change "who" to "the"

Cheers and best of luck with your writing--
--Dudgeon.