A Pawnshop Full of Rainbows by Gayla Chaney

September 2010

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Sep 14 - lutzr(42)

[Paul Hughes]

A Pawnshop Full of Rainbows
by Gayla Chaney


Male or female, moral or murderous, married or single, honest or criminal?


http://www.silverthought.com/chaney01.html

[William McDonald]

A clever piece this simply oozing with gritty imagination. Easy to read, and after a long week my tired eyes appreciate that aspect. That is intended as a positive .So much that I read is maddening hard to follow along with. As if the writer is trying to establish he is so much intelectually on a higher plane than the lowly reader. Writing should not be a vessel for inflicting superiority complexes onto others...And it invariably back fires.

Just my tuppence worth.

WM

[SirLawrence]

Okay, just read this... now this was an interesting piece.  An author talking to us in a frustrating tone, daily grind of life narrative using "You" as if we can associate with everything from the beginning on (very interesting by the way).  It's as if the reader forgets he or she is reading a story by an author and is the "Person/Story" itself. 

Amazing concept!!! This has pro mag quality potential.

Although I didn't vote for this particular one in the reader's choice, I don't know if there will be nominations for the women's anthology... but this story has a Nomination by me for the Silverthought Women's Anthology in case.

[DLaBounty]

This was a great piece, I thought.

[muzzmuse]

i liked this when i first read it last week. nicely done flash. with some tweaking it will be great for the anthology gayla.

[GC]

William,
I am glad you found the story enjoyable.   This story went through numerous revisions; I'm glad that it's final version was an easy read.  Thanks for reading.
GC

[CowboyLogic]

I loved the writer but could pass on the story.

The story was awesome for the first few paragraphs, the only suggestion I had was you could have used "Morph" more comfortably here: " it metamorphosed into a diabolic plot that seemed absolutely necessary by daybreak, compellingly so. "

Then I began do drift and daydream myself because every time I put my eyes to electronic paper, I got another "Or", or maybe an "Unless"

The merry-go-round slowed down and I wanted off.

- The POV was brilliant
- The grammar and lack of typos were bang on
- The hook was powerful
- The imagery was brutally genius,

but the merry-go-round sucked it all down.

Sorry, author, this has so much potential but its broke.

Roger

[GC]

Sorry to disappoint, CowboyLogic.   "Pawnshop" was something very different for me.  I was trying to create a fulcrum with the use of "or" and "maybe," but perhaps, it didn't work.   Thanks for the feedback.  I always appreciate it.  GC

[CowboyLogic]

Please don't throw it away Gayla,

I found far more right with it than I found wrong.

I understand the tool you were using and I give major kudos for sticking your neck out and trying something new. Just because it doesn't work at one level for this reader doesn't mean it doesn't work for others.  a critique is good for only what you can get from it not what it takes from you.

[GC]

I agree with your assessment of a critique, Roger.  I value feedback, like any writer.   
It's always interesting to learn how a work is received. 

Gayla

[scott]

I'll go out on a limb and disagree with the majority.  Conceptually, I like it.  However, I loathe the second-person point of view.  I read fiction to read about the imagined exploits of others.  I don't read it to put myself in their shoes.  If I truly wanted to do that, I'd pick up an old D&D Choose Your Own Adventure book. 

Once in a great while someone manages to pull off the second-person voice well, but it's amazingly difficult to do.  That's why you sometimes see magazine explicitly state "No second-person POVs".  I did not think it was pulled off here. 

Again, liking the concept, just not the execution.

Sorry.

[PSGifford]

I am just surprised that no-one pointed out the security guard's name-Larry.

PSG

[DLaBounty]

I am going to disagree with Scott.... I liked this story because of the second person POV. So few writers ever pull it off and I thought Gayla did.  I like it when writers can manage to do something unacceptable or unorthodox and somehow make it work. Creative writing shouldn't be so stilted.

[GC]

It is interesting to see how second person POV affects different readers.   Perhaps,  because it feels accusatory, it has the ability to annoy a reader.  This is the only second person POV story I've written, and it was inspired by Margaret Atwood's "Rape Fantasies."  I don't have a copy of that story in front of me, but as I recall, the narrator at the end of the story directs her comments to "you."  It produced an uncomfortable reaction in me, but it is a story I have not forgotten -(and it's been nearly a decade since I read it.)  Anyway,  producing an uncomfortable feeling in "Pawnshop" was sort of what I was aiming for.    -GC

[Faye]

I found it interesting that there were no consequences to these 'what if' actions.I keep waiting for some, but then you fixed that  on the end with the vision of the devil gloating.....

                                                                         Faye

[CowboyLogic]

This form of narration has been called "second person POV " by everyon on this forum, but I had a question posed to me the other day on just what the official name of this type of narration is.

I searched high and low and found only one place where it was "Officially" named, and that was "Projected Narrator"

Does anyone know the official title? Is it indeed "Second Person"?

[scott]

Does anyone know the official title? Is it indeed "Second Person"?

"Second Person" is all I've heard of it referred to as.  Just as you have "First Person", "Third Person Limited", "Third Person Omniscient", you have "Second Person".

[CowboyLogic]

Well I'd love to have this spelled out in some "official" document somewhere so I could provide a definitive answer with it's source.

[GC]

Roger,
Here is the definition I read in Janet Burroway's "Writing Fiction: A Guide to Narrative Craft."

"The second person (POV) remains an idiosyncratic and experimental form...Only when 'you' becomes an actor in the drama is the story in second person....the effect of the second person is unusual and complex.  The author assigns you, the reader, specific characteristics and reactions, and thereby -- assuming that you go along with his characterization of you -- pulls you deeper and more intimately into the story.  It is unlikely that the second person will ever become a major mode of narration as the first and third are, but for precisely that reason you may find it an attractive experiment.  It is startling and relatively unexplored."   (Burroway, 209)

Hope that helps.
Gayla

[CowboyLogic]

Awesome Gayla,

This is perfect. Thank you.