Thorpe's Gizmo
by Henrick Glutonlumps
forum: Thorpe's Gizmo
speculative fiction for the internet generation.

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Thorpe's Gizmo


        Sebastian Thorpe is without question the kindest most congenial man on the entire planet; he is a rather distinguished man in his early sixties, with sparkling clear blue eyes, a full head of grey hair and a matching beard. He has a fondness for wearing tweed jackets and corduroy pants and often sports a matching cap on his head. It is believed that in his entire life he has never once hurt a single living creature or even, for that matter, lost his temper. He has a great keenness for computers, and his marvelous and infectious warm disposition has resulted in him acquiring and maintaining hundreds and upon hundreds of friends from all around the world. Mr. Thorpe in addition has an uncanny and delightful way of coining a phrase, and as a result there are many that are immediately associated with the great man, which have come to be known as Thorpisms. He is also rightly proud to call the blissful Yorkshire dales his home, regarded by many scholars to be the most perfect place in the Universe to live. One typically rainy and chilly day Mr. Thorpe sat there by his beloved computer, answering his 562nd email of the day, (and it was not even noon yet) when an intriguing thought suddenly struck him… 'Wouldn't it be a far easier task to have my computer answer all of my email?'

        As a natural true genius with unnatural abilities with microchip technology our beloved and handsome hero Mr. Thorpe in less than a week, and on the budget of twelve pound and thirty seven pence, designed and put together the perfect gizmo. He had programmed it with all the 211 distinct and rather famous Thorpisms's, so everyone would recognize at once who was replying to their email.

        At a little past three in the morning, with the rain still pouring outside, he opened a bottle of Hens tooth ale (the greatest beer ever) to celebrate the auspicious occasion, Mr. Thorpe was filled with anticipation, and with his sleeping dog at his feet, switched his new contraption on.

        All at once a peculiar series of whirring and buzzing with the occasional high pitch beep filled his office. He particularly enjoyed that high pitched beep, it did not do a bloody thing, but it made him grin from ear to ear..

        Opening his email he discovered, with delight, that as usual the in box full!

        'Fantastic.' Mr. Thorpe thought, rubbing his hands together…'Bloomin' fantastic'

        Thirty minutes later, whilst he enjoyed the emails, his beloved gadget had answered them all!

        And so this went on for several weeks…But it was on a Monday morning when he noted that the machine was beginning to take on a life of itself…It did not seem satisfied with simply answering the emails anymore, it suddenly began writing them as well! Mr. Thorpe tried to unplug it, but for some reason however much he tried the plug refused to leave the socket. As Sebastian watched on helpless the whirring got louder, and the beeping sound that he had once enjoyed so much began to annoy him…

        So the scenario unfolded for thirty three days, and thirty three nights with our Sebastian watching on powerless …Then finally, after the machine had apparently sent Thorpe wisdom to every single computer on the entire planet, (and quite possibly beyond!) it made one terrific final bang, and imploded…

        It was then a peculiar thing happened…The whole world began to think like Mr. Thorpe… Everyone became vegetarian, began drinking really good beer, and everyone began being a little nicer. But that was just the beginning. Somehow Mr. Thorpe's gizmo had managed to zap all hatred in the world! People actually began caring for each other, husbands started appreciating there spouses, children their parents, editors their writers and so on. The spell was in fact so strong and compelling that even all wars were ended, people actually began working together to stop starvation and disease, instead of killing each other. Borders ceased to exist, churches were churches, mosques and temples were closed as all past religions became outdated and defunct, as the words of the new prophet, Sebastian Thorpe, made far more sense.… And one whole new world religion was formed, the Thorpistics… and the Earth lived prosperously, healthily and, dare I say, happily ever after…

        Well at least until the little purple, three headed, hairy men invaded from outer space, three months later...

        But that, as they say, is a different story entirely.




copyright 2006 Henrick Glutonlumps.

Henrick Glutonlumps is a horrible little ugly squat fellow who hasn't bathed all year. He does however occasionally write odd little stories, so the fellow is not all bad.