To achieve fame, sometimes you have to
take matters into your own hands. Be creative, and things will
happen for you. The guidance received from my supposed role
models: teachers and parents. Guidance counselors. Out of work
actors on career day.
As a kid, my name John Balesteros was
always shortened to JB, so when it came time for me to start
my career as a porno star, it seemed fitting to go with Jizzy
Box as my stage name. That's where I'm at now, a dynamite porn
name with no heat.
Not so long ago you could break into
the business with a signature move. Perform it in your premier
movie and what follows is credibility, contracts. Fame. Now,
there isn't anything new; it has all been done. Now, we recycle.
Drunk Vampires is the same as the Alligator
Fuckhouse: While you're inside the girl, each begin biting hard
into the other's neck while rolling around. Other recycled moves:
Snowballing, Felching, the Rusty Trombone.
My first movie was with Baby Cox, called
"Wet Times at Ridgemont High." Sales in the beginning
were bleak to say the least. Then it came to me. Fame wasn't
just going to come to me. No, I would have to take matters to
into my own hands. Ever notice how sales increase once someone
creative dies? I would murder Baby Cox and hope this leads to
interest in our movie.
A Cincinnati Bowtie is really the same
as Johnny the Penguin. Reverse titty fuck a girl, leaving your
balls hanging on her neck. Other recycled moves: The Angry Pilot,
The Cleveland Steamer, The Dump Truck.
Ninety-five percent of all murders are
solved with DNA evidence, the other five, guilt. The DNA angle
I obviously beat. The next day Baby and I shot another scene,
and I followed her home. As she approached her door I came up
from behind and slammed her with a busted up piece of brick.
That's all it took, one blow and she was dead. Sure, the detectives
were there that night asking me questions, but in the end, either
I was one step ahead of the cops, or no one wanted to believe
a murder could be linked to DVD sales. Luckily no one checked
the sales, or they would have seen "Wet Times" climbing
into the number one adult movie spot for three weeks straight.
The Alabama Hot Pocket is the Dirty Suzy.
Shit inside a girl's vagina, then fuck her. Also: The Donkey
Punch, Angry Dragon, Reverse Cowgirl.
How much fame is enough? What comes after
fame? Legend status is what I'm told. To obtain legendary status
you need to be creative. This is what I remember from career
Sandy Box starred in my second movie,
"A Box Affair." Unfortunately for Sandy, she never
lived to see the premiere.
The cops, getting closer, but it's hard
when your pubic hairs were rubbing all day, all over the victim,
and then convince a jury there's motive.
After two murders, it's impossible not
to feel the heat.
By my third movie, it was difficult to
find someone to work with me. Known as the Widower in the industry,
it took a lot of courage for Pearl Bottom to star opposite me
in "Under the Bridges of Orange County." It took even
more courage after our shoot, later that night in her apartment
when she unknowingly swallowed sulfuric acid.
"Under the Bridge," another
hit, another mystery. I was on every newspaper, television station.
The focus of every gossip blog. Message boards across the country
discussed me. Each actress I had worked with was deceased, yet
I was still working. I needed to work. It's what they would
have wanted, is what I say.
To crossover from fame to legendary status,
timing is everything.
The next day I'm taping "The Hot,
The Young, and The Horny" with Connie Cans when the police
show up during a scene. Propped up on a desk, I have Connie
panting as I thrust inside. When the cops walk over to the director
and ask him to stop rolling, there is a warrant for my arrest.
This is my time. That's when I present my move, non-recycled,
for the rest of the world to duplicate and make their own.
At this moment I unveil my move: I twist
my hand, one, two, three fingers until my whole fist is in Connie's
pussy, searching. I pull out my hand, displaying a tiny revolver.
I lean to the right, ensuring the camera man has the correct
angle. I put then gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. I call
it the Detroit Special.
To achieve legendary status, sometimes
you have to take matters into your own hands. Be creative. This
is what I learned on career day.