Ride Along with Hùmres
by Dan Kopcow
forum: Ride Along with Hùmres
speculative fiction for the internet generation.

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Ride Along with Hùmres


           I open the door and he climbs into the Hummer limo, his eyes already looking for things to complain about. We hit the road. I drive. He makes his calls.

           After an hour, the booze runs out. That's when he becomes chatty. They all become chatty.

           "So… uh… what the fuck did you say your name was?" he calls out.

           "Hùmres, sir."


           "Hùmres, sir. Hoom-Ray. At your service."

           "Damn right. This place far?"

           "Not far, sir."

           Smug pricks like to feel superior; to believe they have something over on me.

           I uncork the old charm. I smile.

           He looks like all the rest. Young. Sharp. Arrogant. Stars-in-his-eyes. Middle Management. Junior Executive. Fucked.

           An hour ago, I picked him up at the airport. He acknowledged the sign I held and left his suitcase behind for me to drag like a dog on its leash.

           This shift can't be over fast enough. I've done three others today. This one's my last. We're getting close to the Corporate Car Wash.

           "I mean, I join this fuckin' company and before HR sends me to orientation and training and shit, they tell me I have to sit through a timeshare talk in case I want to invest in the company condo," he blathers on. "Ownership. They said they're all about ownership. I'll show them ownership. I'll fuckin' run this place in two years."

           He truly believes that. They all truly believe that.

           "Hey, what the fuck is this?" asks Junior Executive.

           "It'll just be a moment, sir. Sit back and enjoy the show."

           I pop in the DVD as we drive into the dark portal.

           "Wash your fuckin' car on your damn…"

           He goes silent. They all go silent.

           The back seat windows turn into monitors. Multiple screens. They show Junior Executive in a less-than-positive light. Every crooked deal he's brokered. Every person whose rights he's trampled on. Every law and regulation and policy he's wiped his ass with.

           They've been watching him ever since college when he showed the promise to be of value to the Corporation. They know everyone's secrets.

           He screams and pounds and cries. They all do.

           I do my part as Orientation Field Lead for Human Resources.

           The show goes on for three hours.

           He is theirs. Utterly, totally, completely. They all are. Even Orientation Field Leads.

           Later, when I drop off a more obedient and subservient model of Junior Executive at Corporate, I clean off the backseat where he wet himself. Then I finally get to go home to my time-share for the night.

           They're all about ownership.



copyright 2007 Dan Kopcow.

Dan Kopcow's stories have appeared in The Wild River Review, Silverthought, The Duck and Herring Company, The American Drivel Review, Gold Dust Magazine, The Quirk, and Theaker's Quarterly Fiction. He is the author of numerous short stories, novels and screenplays. He is a founding member of the Ambler Writers Group.

link to silverthought.com