Simple Rules for the Proper Execution
of a Suicide (no pun intended)

by Kimberly Raiser
forum: Simple Rules for the Proper Execution of a Suicide (no pun intended)
speculative fiction for the internet generation.

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Simple Rules for the Proper Execution of a Suicide (no pun intended)


        Rule number one: Be happy. Your troubles will soon be over!

        Rule number two: If you're going to shoot yourself in the head, get it right on the first shot.

        Nothing is more humiliating for family and friends than someone surviving a self-inflicted gunshot. Once a man tried to kill himself by taking a gun to his head. He ended up doing a real bad job and spent the rest of his life as a vegetable hooked up to machines.

        Rule number three: If you are going to shoot yourself, don't leave a mess for someone else to clean up. What kind of person do you want to be remembered as? The guy that left brains splattered all over the floor for his wife to clean up? What, are you depressed and an asshole?

        Rule number four: Be original. Find at least a unique way to go out. Inspire creativity amongst the suicidal youth and miserable housewives everywhere.

        Rule number five: If you are worried about going to hell, you may want to reconsider. Or, you may consider the fact that you are already there, and what could possibly be worse? After all, you wouldn't be here if life was peachy keen.

        Addendum to rule number five: There is no hell. You simply got a shitty deal in life and ending your misery is the only way out.

        Rule number six: Take care of unfinished business. Now is the time to go tell that evil boss of yours to go bugger off.

        Now, for the substantially twisted group of you that feel you must take someone down with you, here's a thought: Frame someone for your murder. I mean if you're going to kill yourself, let someone else take the blame, and everyone will remember you fondly as the one whose life was cut short, stopped in his prime, ripped off, short changed, got the short end of the stick, and so on. Instead of course knowing what a real asshole you truly are for framing an innocent person.

        And now I leave you with one final thought, as I am being carried away by a strange looking creature with horns atop his head, and a reddish tint to his skin, and WOW fire and brimstone are very hot.

        "There is always someone better, brighter, and stronger than you, so don't fret, you won't have to deal with that for much longer."


The End, Literally




copyright 2007 Kimberly Raiser.

Kimberly Raiser has been published several times with Silverthought Press and continues to be a great fan of this endeavor. She is currently working on a compilation of shorts that will be in print in 2007 titled, "Stranded". Currently her work appears in the print magazine "Outercast", "Bewildering Stories",, and the antholigies of "Taj Mahal Review".

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