Wish You Were Here
by Steve Wilkins
forum: Wish You Were Here
speculative fiction for the internet generation.

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Wish You Were Here


Computer: Initiate Temporal Interface...

This is Commander Heliana Taylon-Smith to Tempus Station Prime. Update. Local time 24th September 1955. Message to High Lord First One. Secure Link.

Team have successfully integrated with time stream. Temporal stability 98%. Well done LabTech. We only seem to fade when we fart. Have ordered a cut down on intake of local delicacy called Baked Beans. Still can't get used to food you actually have to chew. The team
thanks you for the loan of the "teeth", as you call them. Have included an image for upload. Taken with a primitive camera of the time. Something called Black And White.

The costume the boys in ResTech gave me seems to be working. The locals have no idea we are not of this time zone. However, there have been a few complaints. Luietenant Xanthe-le Scone says the glasses are a bit over the top, but she liked the apparel. However, as the mission was moved forward before she could have her "gender re-affirmation" she can be seen embarrassingly holding herself in. She politely asks that you sort asap on her return. Although the skirts are "floaty" she still feels, since her previous "gender re-affirmation" when she had her penis transplanted with that of an elephant's, that she has a problem keeping things down, as it were. I know Xanthe's gender confusion causes issues, but let's try and be sympathetic, ok guys?

Ensign Twirdletonlywonly is still recovering from our mission to 5 million years BC when we had to blend in with the Neanderthals. It is a sad thing when surgery that should have been so simple goes wrong. The operation to revert her should have been so simple. But thanks to
the guys at MedTech. You have done a great job. Just the eyebrows to go...

So the mission is proceeding to plan. But just one last thing. As mission Commander, I did some research of my own. I decided that, as we were arriving on the day of the High Lord First One's great great great great great great great great great great grandson's birthday, I
ought to buy him a present. As he was only 6 years old in this t-zone, I thought a toy would be good. So, after researching, I got him a traditional toy of the day. I must admit, I thought it was odd, but was mentioned in the fragmented records we have of this time.

So I got him a Mr. Potato Head.

It took me ages to find someone with the right look but I did in the end. He wasn't happy when I lasered it off but these were dark times.

Barbaric. But the screams of pleasure when I gave it to the boy were a joy to behold. He ran out of the room with pleasure! His parents were stunned into total silence.

So much so that I have been taken to a place called Holding. Apparently I may be moving soon to place called Death Row. I've been told it's to die for.

Thanks again for the help.

Commander Out. Temporal Interface Ends.



copyright 2006 Steve Wilkins.

Steve Wilkins has been published numerous times on weirdcrap.com and also at quill.pen magazine.